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{\bf The People vs. James M. E. Blandy} \\
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{\it 25 June 2000}
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\begin{it}
Bailiff brings forth the defendant for identification.
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{\bf Foreman:} \= \kill

{\bf Bailiff:} \> Your honor, I bring before the court Jim Blandy. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:}   \> Is this the Jim Blandy famous for his novel and erotic \\
               \> reformulation of Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory? \\
\\
{\bf Bailiff:} \> Yes, your honor. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Please have a seat.  Mr. Blandy, you are charged with a \\
             \> most serious crime -- in this state, a felony -- the \\
             \> crime of being Jim Blandy.  It is alleged that you have \\
             \> engaged in this activity for more than three decades, \\
             \> though not all of them in Indiana.  Do you understand \\
             \> that, regardless of the outcome of this trial, there may \\
             \> be extradition proceedings for Ohio, New York, and \\
             \> Massachussetts? \\
\\
             \> {\it bailiff hands judge a note, judge reads it}  \\
\\
             \> ... and I've just learned that Japan and Switzerland \\
             \> are considering indictment as well.  In any case, this \\
             \> court is concerned with Indiana.  Let us begin. \\
             \> Prosecution? \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Your honor, we call Jim Blandy to the witness stand. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Proceed. \\
\\
{\it Bailiff escorts defendant to the witness stand.} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Mr. Blandy, is it true that between 1997 and 2000, you \\
             \> were heard several times playing Chopin's Raindrop \\
             \> Prelude in {\it march tempo}? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it Everyone knows he did it.  If he denies it,} \\
            \> {\it prosecution can call another witness.} \\
\\
{\bf Defense:} \> Objection! \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> What is it? \\
\\
{\bf Defense:} \> Nothing, your honor.  I just felt like objecting. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Sustained; prosecution, you may continue. \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Is it not also true that on your curriculum vitae, which \\
             \> is stored on a public web site where young children could \\
             \> download it, you wrote: \\
\\
                \> `Familiar with the Unix, Macintosh, and Windows NT \\
                \> operating systems; also comfortable without an \\
                \> operating system.' \\
\\
             \> ? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it mumble mumble} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> 01000001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 \\
             \> 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100111 01110101 \\
             \> 01101001 01101100 01110100 01111001 00111111 \\
\\
             \> {\it Prosecution may wish to remind defendent of his} \\
             \> {\it fifth amendment rights.} \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it looks guilty as original sin, yup} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Is it true that you habitually whistle Bach, especially the \\
             \> Brandenburg Concerti, with such perfection that those \\
             \> around you become jealous and suffer emotional damage? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it just let him try to deny it} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Did you take in a cat, in time of need, and name said cat \\
             \> ``Foo''? \\
\\
{\bf Defense:} \> Objection, your honor!  Prosecution is referring to \\
               \> ``foo'' without having passed his bar. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Overruled, too contrived.  Prosecution, you may proceed. \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Is it true that, around the ages of 8 to 9 years, you \\
             \> once became so engrossed in a book you were reading, \\
             \> that the teacher left you in the classroom (turning \\
             \> out the lights!) while the rest of the class went to \\
             \> gym, and when said class returned, you were still \\
             \> reading, apparently completely unaware of what had \\
             \> transpired? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it some pathetic excuse} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Mr. Blandy, the records indicate that your family took \\
             \> a cross-country car trip in 1983, and that you fell \\
             \> asleep somewhere around Buffalo.  When the family had \\
             \> gotten to about Cleveland, you woke up and asked ``Where \\
             \> are we?'' and were told ``Ohio.' \\
\\
             \> Is it true that you next said ``That's it?'', and when \\
             \> the family asked ``Where did you think we would be?'', \\
             \> you responded ``Well\ldots at least Iowa.''? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it there's no way he's gonna slide this time, boys} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Your honor, I'd like permission to turn for a moment \\
             \> to the disturbing reports of fraternal cruelty. \\
             \> Although those accusations are not part of this trial, we \\
             \> believe they will shed useful light on the \\
             \> defendant's character. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Granted.  Of course. \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> As a young boy, did you, together with co-conspirator \\
             \> cousin Nicky, run about your grandparents' house \\
             \> screaming ``Help, monster!'' while your younger brother \\
             \> Charley followed?  And when Charley asked ``Where's the \\
             \> monster?'', you, together with co-conspirator cousin \\
             \> Nicky, pointed at Charley and said ``RIGHT THERE!'', then \\
             \> continuing to tear around the house?'' \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it slowly realizing he's not gonna see the light of} \\
            \> {\it day for many years...}  \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Is it true that at one time you were associated with \\
             \> an establishment known as Big Blandy's Bunny Barn, at \\
             \> which the consumption of rabbits was a `downright habit'? \\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> {\it my god, even he'd forgotten that one} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we think the evidence \\
             \> you have seen so far speaks for itself.  We have only one \\
             \> more question for the witness.  \\
\\
{\it turns to face defendent} \\
\\
             \> Mr. Blandy, is it true that you are in love with and \\
             \> will marry Vivian Satomi Tanaka? \\
\\
\\
{\bf JimB:} \> Yes. \\
\\
{\it applause} \\
\\
{\bf Prosc:} \> Your honor, the prosecution rests. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> As you know, Mr. Blandy, you have the right to choose a \\
             \> bench trial or a jury trial.  Do you wish to waive your \\
             \> right to a trial by your peers? \\
\\
{\it conditional interlude} \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Jury, you must consider all the evidence you have seen, \\
            \> and remember that your job is not to determine guilt to \\
            \> absolute certainty, but merely guilt beyond a reasonable \\
            \> doubt, or at least more likely guilty than not.  You have \\
            \> five seconds. \\
\\
{\bf Foreman:} \> {\it consults jury briefly, waits five ticks, then...} \\
\\
        \> Your honor, we have reached a unanimous verdict. \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Defendant, please rise and face the jury. \\
\\
{\bf Foreman:} \> We find Jim Blandy not guilty by reason of Vivian. \\
\\
        {\it more applause} \\
\\
   {\it Judge raises eyebrows, shrugs as if to say "They just don't} \\
   {\it make juries like they used to", and says:} \\
\\
{\bf Judge:} \> Bailiff, please release the defendant.  Mr. Blandy, you \\
             \> are a free man, now don't mess it up.  I don't want to \\
             \> see you back here again. \\

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{\sc The End}
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