My fantasy Levenger's ad ("Levenger's: Tools for Serious Readers"):
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Keeping up with the Joneses has never been so expensive, or so
pointless!  Come explore the nether regions of snobbery, conspicuous
consumption, and product-based self-identity with our new Reader's
Hammock.  Costing only slightly more than the third-world country
where it was manufactured, the Reader's Hammock (or as we like to call
it, the "Shammock") is neither durable, comfortable, nor safe.  But
that's okay, since you're far more likely to string it up to impress
your guests than to actually use it.  Honestly, do you even know how
to read?  Real literature, that is, not the product catalogs
constantly spilling from your mailbox?  We didn't think so.  

Order now, and we'll throw in a cheap, nondescript hammock bag,
perfect for storing your Shammock in the closet right next to all
those gold-bound Folio Classics editions you never even bothered to
unpack.